Letting Go: the New Way to Say Hello

I've experienced real loss in my life. Who hasn't, right? I've also gained a few things within the process too. I'm grateful for what I have and appreciate the gifts I've been given; some in the moment and some in reflection. However, that wasn't always the case. I had to learn a few things about loss, the meaning, and the silver lining, to shed new light on an entirely new perspective.

In my previous marriage, I loved my life so much I began to identify with it. I loved being a wife to whom I was deeply devoted, and I loved being a mom to the sweetest struggle-bus of a toddler. However, as time went on, I resented the lack of physical, mental and emotional support from my ex-husband. Consequently, the foundation of our relationship began to erode and our unity hopelessly severed.

The day we stopped working together to achieve our combined goals, was the day our core values misaligned and we forged our own paths. We were holding on so tightly to who we wanted the other person to be, we forgot who we were in the process, until all that was left went unsaid and unresolved. I went from holding on to hope to holding on to regret; feeling hurt, alone, and abandoned.

When my mom passed, I was so grateful for the time we had as a family and the experiences with her that helped me become the woman I am today. I had peace knowing how she felt about me; how much she loved me, her children, and her grandchildren. My mother had a funny way of showing love, but love us irrevocably, she absolutely did.

It didn't make her expression of love any less confusing, resentful, or sometimes down right irreparable. How she would sometimes treat me and my siblings, say the things she did, or have complete disregard of her impact on others, negative or otherwise, was a consistently hard pill to swallow. It was overall counterintuitive to her parental message. Ultimately, this mentality misaligned with my own values as an adult, and for a time we went our separate ways. Our relationship worked itself out in the end, but only through finding a way to move on, together.

I remember a time where I believed if I wanted something bad enough, anything was possible. I believed if there was a chance I could force my own beliefs into the equation, I would eventually acquire the desired outcome, despite how it affected others or their feelings. As long as I worked hard, focused down, and committed to the process, I could and would find the answer and eventually "make it work".

The reality is, sometimes I can't just "make it work". Some things, sure but certainly not everything. Sometimes it's just not a possibility, as it's simply beyond my control. As much as I wanted to "make my marriage work", it was never going to happen without my ex-husband's consent and commitment. As much as I wanted my mom to see others' perspective, live forever or just one more day, that wasn't within my control either. I had to learn how to let go.

I ultimately came to terms with the idea I was no longer going to be a wife and a mother in a small, nuclear household. I had to accept the redirection of my marriage as "what was" versus accepting the daily disappointment of trying to "make it work". I came to terms with my mom, her faults and linear thinking, as it was simply her personality; the good and the bad. And when she could no longer hold on and eventually let go herself, I had to learn how outside of my control that was and how to let go of that, and eventually her too.

But what if it's not about letting go? What if it's about learning a new way to say hello? What if it's about accepting "what is" while finding a new way to connect; within love, within loss, and within ourselves? Maybe it's about living the pain behind the loss as much as the love it started from in the first place. Maybe it's about accepting how temporary everything actually is, how forever is relative, and how we can all create new ways to move on, for ourselves and for others.

All I can do is accept loss with a new perspective; try my best to be grateful for the time I had and the meaning behind it. The silver lining behind it all: how new light and perspective gives way for creativity among connectivity. To say hello again, in my own way and my own terms, no longer living within daily disappointment, only daily satisfaction of the love found once again, within myself.