One Step Closer to the Light

I went through "a tunnel" once that seemed never ending. A tunnel so dark, my eyes would begin playing tricks on me. I was seeing spots of light that were not actually there; it was like a mirage in the desert.

I'd heard stories of people who would command their extremities just to move when experiencing depression and here, I could totally relate. The weight of the fear hanging over my head was absolutely debilitating. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced, and there was definitely no light.  When my alarm clock would go off early in the morning, I would do the same thing: convince my right foot to swing toward the side of the bed, then again with my left. One step closer to the floor. I would celebrate every step as a success, telling myself, "Good job! Now, again." or "Keep going; just give me one more!" This internal struggle went on for almost three months during the darkest two years of my life. The fear of the unknown was much heavier than any emotional burden I had ever carried or imagined possible. That tunnel was so dark, so deep, how could I even see, much less steer my way through it? One thing I did know: Once I was able to get through it and be looking back at it from the other side, I wouldn't just be flying at that point, I'd be soaring.  To be clear, I never WANT that path to be my first, second, or even third option. However, sometimes it's the one I know will get me the solution I need the fastest, while receiving the most clarity along the way. There were things I didn't want to uncover, confront, or try to best understand. That's okay, because ultimately I learned the more I tried to go around or bypass it, the more lost I found myself in comparison to where I originally started.  The fact is, we all go through tunnels throughout our lives. It's up to us how dim, dark, or treacherous the tunnel becomes. For me, it was super dark, but through every step I picked up things that also helped me along the way. The trick was learning how to show compassion and kindness toward myself, as the only road map I had most often and especially during my darkest days, was the one I had pieced together myself. It's just a fact I've come to embrace: the hard stuff will happen and life will continue to present me with challenges. Do I step forward, even though the path is unclear or uncertain? Or do I take one step forward towards clarity and the light?  Throughout my "dark night of the soul" journeys - both good and bad - I can't say I haven't gained several tools and resources that have helped in many situations; even ones that present themselves today. It was just the hardest journeys that gave me the most strength, the most tools and resources, while best figuring it out along my way. The faster I was truly honest with myself, the faster I would understand and overcome it. What many of us learn is that the tunnel only gets darker and longer over time. To have the courage to stop, go toward, and walk through any dark tunnel of our own making, is a tall ask for anyone. The question is: Do we look for a way around the tunnel, prolonging the inevitable, or do we start walking through it, bringing ourselves one step closer to the light?  Just….step.  For this particular journey, my steps led me through the cargo door of an airplane at 13,000 ft. This was my goal, to not only fly, but physically leap and soar through the sky, air-washing all the mud and grit my soul had collected along the way. It was my final step toward entering into the light - in honor of my successful conclusion through my darkest days - welcoming the light in my new life to come.